Meeting your ex’s *new* partner
One of the things many people think about when they consider, "Should I get divorced?" is whether or not they could stomach the idea of seeing their current spouse with someone else. For a long time, I know the idea of this gutted me. The thought of my ex-husband with someone else was sometimes enough of a "stop" for me mentally, that it would quiet other thoughts I was having of things being "off" between us. I couldn't bear the thought of him with someone else.
Fast forward to 5 years post our divorce, yesterday I met my ex-husband's girlfriend (or the first one he's wanted me to meet). I was nervous initially, and kind of swirled on what an odd thing it is to meet your children’s father’s girlfriend, but then I was able to settle into being really happy and excited about it. I was able to do this for 2 reasons: 1) I am really happy in my own life. When you first get divorced, of course you need to focus a lot of attention on the children, but you also need to take a lot of care to focus on your own happiness. If you are able to slowly but surely create a life YOU are happy with, then you are in such a better place energetically to allow your ex to move on and be happy themselves. When you have happiness on your own, you have a magnetic ability to hope and wish for happiness for all of those in your orbit, including your ex! Life is too short. 2) This person is most likely going to be around your children, and no matter what the status of your relationship is with your ex, one of the GREATEST gifts you can give your children (and your ex) is to allow the children to welcome this person into the fold or the family. Being antagonistic, unkind, and cold to your ex's new partner does not serve anyone. Read that again.
The coffee date with my ex’s girlfriend yesterday was so lovely. She was bright, kind, and warm. I was able to discuss openly how important it is to me that Tim, the children, and I are still a family even though we are no longer a couple. She shared that her parents got divorced when she was 11, and that this is the exact dynamic she grew up with; her parents remained close friends and ended up being friends with each other’s new partners as well. I was shocked; how perfect. So I triple checked with her and said, “So it’s not intimidating to you how close we are? That doesn’t bother you?” She explicitly said, “Nope, this is exactly what I grew up with, so I am totally comfortable with it.” I walked away from the coffee date in almost disbelief. How perfect to welcome someone into our fold who literally had this as her own family experience? We hugged in the parking lot and later exchanged warm texts acknowledging how lovely it was to meet one another. So much of divorce and post-divorce life sucks, but then you have a meeting and reality that is so epically beautiful like this, and you think, “Damn, this is turning out all right…”
With love and gratitude,
Anna
