Eight State Licenses...
I’ve never written a blog, but I did write 60,000 words in a single word document during the 2-year period that I agonized and swirled over whether or not to get divorced. Writing was a healing outlet, but it was just for me then. I needed space and time to write my deepest, darkest thoughts in the early quiet mornings when my children were still sleeping, and I had a second to breathe and to think. Your mind can so often play tricks on you, and so writing, pulling the thoughts out and into physical form can be such a guiding, helpful tool to suss out what is real and what is true. I was so lost then…so lost. Writing was a savior and a guiding light for me.
I’ve had eight state licenses. I have to imagine that’s somewhat uncommon for most Americans - to have had 8 different state driver’s licenses (1 twice) by the time they are 34 years old. Everyone gets asked, “Where are you from?” I never have a good answer; I’m an amalgamation of NC, TN, NY, GA, VA, CA, MA, and PA. The first 3 states I lived in before I was 18; the remaining 5, I accomplished in a span of 11 years out of college with my college sweetheart (aka my ex-husband). For most people, where they are from is a very grounding thing, but not for me. It should come as no surprise that when we finally “landed” in North Carolina when my children were 4 & 2, I for the very first time, “sat still.” There was so much chaos in frequently moving for 34 years; it is also a brilliant way to hemorrhage cash!
Another aspect of my story that feels important to share is that I was raised in a very strong evangelical Christian home; my dad was a Presbyterian minister, in a fairly conservative denomination. My parents are good, kind people who I am very close to, but it is a bizarre thing to be raised in a very religious household where the religious worldview dictates essentially everything you are taught about the world. Our religion was our “stability” as we endured the chaos of moving many times while I was growing up. There is such a deep part of me that wishes so badly I had been raised one place my whole life; that I could have graduated high school with people I went to kindergarten with. Even more so, there is such a deep part of me that wishes my parents had been “normal” Christians, where it was a part of our life, but not like, our whole life. I believed it all hook, line, and sinker, and it took many years to untangle it, and to find myself.
I turned 34, my ex-husband and I bought our first house, and I finally had time to pause. The chaos of moving for the last 34 years was over (at least for the near future) and I finally had space to think through so much about me, who I was, and what I had become as the result of all my experiences and how I was raised.
The two years that followed would be the most painful and agonizing years of my life (in my now 40 years on this planet). I have never been in so much anguish and turmoil, and I have never felt so alone, wondering if I should stay married or get divorced. My work now, coaching people who are also in anguish and turmoil over the state of their marriages, has allowed me to turn my pain into my purpose. I remember so distinctly feeling that I hoped no one else I knew would ever feel this alone, if they started to wonder if divorce might be the path for them. Years later, I would discover Divorce Coaching and get to turn my past pain into my whole purpose. It is a gift and an honor to walk alongside people who find themselves in a similar spot to where I was five years ago. If you are reading this now and are curious, reach out to me for the guide I have created on Divorce Contemplation. It has compiled all of the resources I leaned on so heavily during my period of discernment. It will equip you with great books, podcasts, and articles that might help illuminate whatever the right next step is for you… You can also read more about Divorce Contemplation here.
With love and light,
Anna
