Sleep Divorces…
A hot topic I’ve seen everywhere recently is the practice of a “Sleep Divorce.” Many people are coming forward online, in articles, social media, and on podcasts sharing that they sleep separately from their husband, wife, or partner. Their assertion is that physically sleeping next to or sharing a bed with their spouse or partner disturbs their sleep so greatly, that for their own mental and physical health, they need to sleep alone.
Many people go so far as to say, “This is actually saving us from a real divorce! If I don’t have my uninterrupted, unadulterated sleep I am a mess and it will not be good for anyone. If I don’t get my sleep, I can’t show up as the best version of myself for my partner, kids, colleagues, etc.”
People are SO polarized on this issue. The opposite side of the above argument is that a “sleep divorce” could be a slippery slope to a real divorce. I am squarely on this side of the debate, I’m afraid. I think sleeping together, nightly, in the same bed is one of the most intimate, connecting things you do as a couple. I feel so strongly that sleeping with my partner is hugely important for our intimacy (and I’m not just talking about sex, although it is helpful there as well :) When my clients tell me they have not slept in the same bed or the same room as their spouse for 3 years, 5 years, etc, I am always saddened. It’s simply never a good sign; in my work, it has always been a very, very bad one. I often ask them, “How did this start?” The answers vary…everyone’s story is unique.
In my first marriage, we never went to sleep at the time. My ex-husband often worked through dinner, or if he didn’t, directly after dinner he would head back to the office or to our home office for the rest of the night. I was left alone with our small children to feed them, bath them, read to them, and sing them to sleep. After the littles were in bed, I headed back down to the kitchen to clean the inevitable messes that toddlers and babies sling on to the floor, wipe the counter tops, highchairs, did the dishes, folded laundry, etc. I would listen to podcasts or audio books alone while doing these tasks. I would then work some too or head straight to bed from exhaustion. My ex always came to sleep 2-3 hours after me. In hindsight this was a huge mistake, but I’m not sure if it would have been editable…
A huge advantage of getting to begin again in a relationship after divorce, is that you get to immediately call out what’s important to you: you get to set new patterns of life and how you operate. My fiance and I fall asleep in each other’s arms every single night, and it is one of the most connecting, intimate things I have ever done. I look forward to it every day; it sometimes is my most favorite part of the day. What a delicious end cap to a day…in the arms of your beloved, drifting off to dream. I am totally addicted to it, and couldn’t recommend it enough. Because of my love of falling asleep together, I cannot at all endorse a “sleep divorce” for couples, because I’ve been in a marriage where we never went to bed at the same time, and now I’m creating a marriage where we not only go to sleep together each night, but we are physically entangled, holding one another. It is the dearest, most romantic practice…
Where do you land on this debate?! Let me know if you are pro solo sleep, or if you’re like me and love to be held as you drift off…
xo, Anna
